My husband has been gone since July. Okay, that’s not entirely true because he came home for 32 hours in August, but even now that short bit of time we had with him seemed like a dream. I miss him. I noticed last week when I was walking up my stairs to go to sleep that the anxiety that I usually feel being in this house all alone had gone. I had somehow gotten use to being here by myself and the reality of it all made me a bit sad. I consciously know that I should be able to do everything by myself, but I don’t want to do it all by myself. I did not sign up for this…
So, resentment set in last week. I was beginning to get short with my husband. I didn’t want to sit on the phone with him. In the beginning of this set of training, I would ask about what he ate and if he went into town. When he went to open up about his day last weekend, I cut him off quite quickly and told him that it must be nice to have some free time all by himself. His response was that as soon as he got home he would find a way to take the kids and let me have some alone time and although I could still feel the resentment, my mood lighten up a bit…until he informed that he would likely be extended after we saw him for one day this month, which puts him home for good (not really, for good) in late October. I was pissed and instead of pushing my feelings way down inside of me and continuing to be resentful, I let them out.
Thankfully, he listened and listened and listened. I didn’t take any digs at him because he is only doing his job. A job that affords me the opportunity to stay at home with our children. I just needed to stop being strong for one moment and be vulnerable with this man that I love. I am thankful that our marriage has grown enough that I can be vulnerable without him taking it personally. My husband is a fixer and when he can’t fix the problem, he gets frustrated with everything. He told me that my feelings were valid and I can’t even express how awesome that is to me. He also shared with me that he feels like he’s missing out and it makes him feel bad. He missed the first day of school, our son’s first soccer practice, our daughter’s first ballet class here in California, our son mastering the potty, our son finally riding his bike, and the biggest thing, not being here for our daughter when someone said something mean to her at school. I could not feel any resentment after that. He is missing out and I know with everything inside of me that he would rather be here than there.
Being an Army wife is hard. It was much easier when I was in the Army and when we didn’t have children. I worry for him. I want him home. We need him here with us. I don’t want to get use to him being away. He leaves in February for his third deployment and this is the first time I have been scared. I know that I must continue to be strong, but I now know that love and strength can include vulnerability. The road is long up ahead, but we will make it.