I received a text this evening that made me reflect on this thing called motherhood. It was from my husband’s sister (he really doesn’t have any sisters, but she is family) and it was just a very short sentence, but it reminded me of what we both went through to get our children here.
We basically have the same story. We were both told that we either couldn’t have children or would have to do fertility treatments to have them. We both decided to go on ahead and take the Clomid. We both got pregnant. She had her baby. I lost my mine at 14 weeks. That was one of the hardest losses I have dealt with to date. I still think of that baby and when my husband’s sister puts up a picture of her first child, I think of the little girl I lost. I’m no longer angry about it, but I think of her. I did have my daughter almost a year later and my husband’s sister had another child quickly after our first. I think our children are months apart. When I got pregnant with my son, I didn’t expect my husband to tell me his sister was also pregnant, but yet again we were having babies at the same time.
The road to motherhood for us both was not easy. I think the hard road makes you appreciate it so much more. I remember thinking after I got pregnant with the Clomid that it was easy and simply biology. I was already planning what daycare center the baby would attend, how much vacation I would actually take, and what formula would be best. After I lost her, my thought process changed completely. There was a hollowness that I felt after the miscarriage that I never thought would be filled and the gift of motherhood became so much more than simple biology. I realized that life could grow inside of me and I owed this life, if I was privileged enough to carry one, so much more than what I had been planning. I learned to appreciate being a mother.
Truthfully, I am not the mother who wakes up every morning happy to fulfill my children’s every need because sometimes I just want a few seconds to myself. I am, however, the mother who looks at her children in disbelief sometimes because it is truly a miracle that they are here. They are a manifestation of the love my husband and I share and I think that is freaking awesome. When I met them, I felt like I already knew them. They are incredible souls and I am blessed to be their mother.