Okay, so I’m really not doing too well with this 30 days of blogging every single day. I missed Friday and Saturday, but technically it wasn’t my fault. I wanted to post a poem on Friday, but I wanted to do a slide show. I still haven’t figured out how to put my voice with the slide show and I’m such a weird person that I didn’t feel right blogging Saturday because I didn’t do Friday. I’m a bit weird; however, I’m going to get that together. Anyway, on to my Sunday Intentions for the week.
Today is Father’s Day! I always call it the holiday that ends at about 3 p.m. or even sooner if the Dad is on the grill. It always seems labor intensive for fathers, but I guess they enjoy it. Here, we are without our fearless leader and father’s day was not celebrated in the typical fashion. We heard from my husband early in the day. The children got to talk to him twice because he kept calling back and I actually had the opportunity to have a long (about 10 minutes) conversation with him. He unloaded on me and it was magnificent. He was not telling me very nice things about his job, but HE OPENED UP TO ME!!!!! I won’t discuss in this blog what he is going through, but I want to start a support operation for him with family and friends. He needs to know that there are people back home that have his back and support him.
That brings me to the 2 things that I intend to focus on this week. First, I need to start taking in the advice of my therapist. Although I write this blog and can open up to my close friends, I am a guarded person. I am even more guarded when I think you can hurt me. My husband leaving felt like an abandonment. Consciously, I know he did not just up and leave to get away from us. It is the nature of his job, but one is still left with certain feelings. When he left, I went into my shell and I just kind of wanted him to be gone without having any emotional attachment while he was away. The funny thing is that, what I put out into the universe, I got back. I was going out of my mind losing that connection of knowing what is going on with him and didn’t realize that I too had taken away my connection. Last week and 2 weeks prior, I took my therapist’s advice and started opening up and I thought it wasn’t being heard or appreciated, but today showed me something different. I need to be more vulnerable with this man I married. I need to make an effort to share more and I need to make a point of letting him know that I have his back even if I don’t get the response I want.
The next intention I have this week is to love myself. This may be an ongoing intention. I have a friend here in California that says things to me that make me really think about what I say about my body, how I treat it, and what my insecurities are teaching my children. Of course she can say all of these things because she’s gorgeous, but the message is still valid. How we see ourselves sometimes transfers into how our children see themselves. I know this to be true because I saw my daughter step on the scale too many times and I realized that she was only copying me. I’m happy to say I haven’t been on the scale in a very long time because it is not necessary. That number on that scale does not dictate anything that has to do with my life being fulfilled. I refuse to pass this obsession with weight and looking a certain way to my daughter and son. Truthfully, I have a bit of body dysmorphia. I am working on it. It’s not an easy thing for people to understand when you are thin. People don’t get it, but I get it and slowly I’m learning to let go of the negative image I have in my head and replace it with who I really am. I also consciously know that if I tear myself down and I am never happy with the way I am now, both body and soul, then indirectly I am teaching my children that they are never good enough. It’s kind of the same approach that I took with no longer relaxing my hair. (NO JUDGEMENT ON THE HAIR THING) I knew I was not going to straighten my daughter’s hair very early on. I didn’t have my first relaxer until I was 21 years old, so I wasn’t raised with the idea that straight hair was beautiful. I wanted to give this gift to my daughter because I had met women who were literally afraid to go without their hair straightened. I thought the best way to give her the gift of accepting her hair naturally was to give her an example of her mother being natural. It was the same gift my mother had given to me and my grandmother had given to my mother. Strangely, no one stopped to think that hair was such a small part of who we are and that an example of self love would take one so much more further in life. I think back on how many bad dates I wouldn’t have gone on or how I might be able to look in the mirror at my body and see how awesome it is. Self love teaches one that societies concept of beauty has absolutely nothing to do with how beautiful one is. How one feels about themselves has everything to do with how he or she views themselves internally. The external is just a small portion really. People hide behind the external because if I woke every morning and realized that I gave birth to 2 children like a boss, that I am intelligent, that I am worthy of everything good in my life, then my perspective of who I am externally would change. Instead of being disgusted by my stretch marks, loose skin around my belly and my surgery scars, I would feel honored. Every single one of my so-called imperfections tells a story of how awesome I am. I earned it all and I am a better person for it all. I should be smiling when I stand before myself in the mirror, realizing that this body that I am in is just a vessel used in this life. I should look at it in admiration because I am more than beautiful. I am divine.
Love and Light