Valentine’s Day

I’m not a Valentine’s Day type of girl. Well, I use to be, but then I realized all of the holidays were corporate holidays and decided that I wasn’t down with that. Like, I don’t want anyone telling me when I should celebrate my love because they want to make a profit. I appreciate the economy being stimulated, but don’t like the guilt that comes along with it.

Now that I have established that I am anti-Valentine, I love that my husband remembered. I’m such a hypocrite. He returned home yesterday after being away for about a week, which explains why I haven’t been writing. He came home with gifts for the kids and a special one for me too. The kids and I were happy to simply have him home. The gifts were like a bonus to an already special occasion and it was kind of nice that everything happened so close to Valentine’s Day.

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Going to pick-up daddy from the airport

All of this led me to think about what love really means. Of course I adore my husband. He’s the best partner I’ve ever had. I love the way he parents. I love the way he looks at me. I love that he has been attracted to me in my different sizes and moods. I love that he’s loved me when I was sick and healthy. I especially love that he’s put up with all my different dietary changes and the fact that I wear a fanny pack when I run. Even though I love him and love how he loves me, today I could not stop thinking of the moments in time where I truly felt loved.

There is a person in my life that has loved me like no other. She has held my hand and been a shoulder for me. She knows my secrets and she knows my heart. She loves my children as they are her own and she gently tells me when I’m wrong. I was born seven years before her and most of our time on Earth has been spent as me being the teacher, but recently, I have become the student. A willing student because I know she would never steer me in the wrong direction. I know she loves me no matter what and I hope she knows that I love her no matter what. My cousin, I know you never read these blogs, but if by chance you do one day, just know that I love you with everything I have inside of me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to my life. I appreciate you. I am honored to know you.

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Me and my cousin (side note, my hair is growing)

I only have a few real friends. The people I consider as friends are not the ones I talk to every single day (although one of them I do talk to almost everyday) and all of them have come into my life at very important times. If it wasn’t for the love and friendship I have been shown, I doubt I would be here living the life I live. I know what it feels like to be loved by strangers, who then welcome you into their hearts as family.

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Sitting here in my pajamas on a night where most people expect champagne and chocolate covered strawberries, I can only cry tears of real joy for the love I have been shown. From my mother and even my father, my husband, my children, my family, and my friends, I have been blessed with love.

 

Take a moment to acknowledge those who have been good to you and in return, try to put that out into the universe to others. I learned a few years ago that I only recognized the love that I put out into the world and everything else felt odd or extra. Not until I was able to love without fear was I able to receive what was always there. Love yourself and love will come to you in so many ways. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Love and light y’all.

A little honesty and reflection

I just got out of yoga and I was sitting here trying to finish a post, but I can’t help but to write about the interesting week I have had. There are a number of things I could reflect on and be upset about, but I’m choosing to let the anger go. I once walked around angry without knowing it. I was simply existing, wondering why I had been done a certain way. I wondered why my parents made the decisions that they did. I wondered why my “friends” didn’t seem to hear me. I wondered why the person I was with didn’t love me properly. I wondered why my health had failed me. I was a victim at every turn.

Those that loved me and could see through all the hurt and pain made a choice to see me through it. I am thankful. The reality is that I just got to the other side a few years ago. I made a conscious decision that I needed help. I sat in a therapist’s office guarded and after a few sessions started to come out of this cloud. I continued to go to therapy until last year because my old therapist left and the new one and I didn’t gel well. I read a book by Thich Nhat Hanh about healing the soul and started practicing meditation and yoga. I made the hardest decision of my life to cut off contact with my father who was a huge source of my resentment and anger. I started reflecting on how I made decisions and how my actions were the cause of certain things. I stopped blaming others and started really looking at myself. I did the work and continue to do the work. I cry often. I apologize even more than that when I am wrong. I somehow became an empath along the way. If you know me on a deeper level, you would no that I was the girl who NEVER cried, hardly apologized and could care less about the other person’s point of view. Funny, how things change.

I fall short a lot. I don’t always make the right decisions, but I know in my heart that my intentions are typically pure. Recently, I have been told that I was something other than I put out into the universe and the funniest part about it is that at every turn I was in this persons corner encouraging others to give her some time and that she obviously must be going through something. At every single turn I made a point of acknowledging her negativity amongst friends while also reiterating that her demeanor was a facade and what she really needed was time to build trust. I saw myself and a dear friend that I lost about 5 years ago in her. However, I think I saw in this person something that I am so far removed from that there was no possibility of friendship. That’s not a slight to her, that’s just being honest with myself. I wrote about this a while back and I guess it was a bit of foreshadowing on my part. My heart is heavy, but my conscious is clear. Everyone isn’t meant to see things from your point of view and you can’t make everyone your friend.

On a positive note, I still believe in sisterhood and friendship. I just know now that I won’t be politicking for a person who sees negativity in everything, loves being shady, and throws out subliminal messages on the Internet. I’m done son.

Love and light y’all.

Sunday Intentions (1/17)

I thought this day would never end. It has been a great day, but a long one. I have been longing to get in front of my computer and set my intentions for the week. Last week, my intentions were to be thankful. Intentions don’t mean anything without action behind them, right? I can confidently write that I held to my intention in recognizing and appreciating the life that I live. My ability to do that made my week much better.

Last week included so many things that I normally take for granted. I got to walk with friends and have meaningful conversations. I had the opportunity to go on a shopping date with my daughter and listen to her share her thoughts and fears. I sat down with a friend to discuss history, which was probably the highlight of my week. I was able to chat with friends across the country. Best of all, I have had the chance to spend time with my brother in-law who is visiting from England. I have so much to be thankful for. What stands out to me are the connections that I put effort into and what springs from them.

I was reminded last week, somewhat indirectly, that I need to listen when people talk. When someone says they are not your friend, even in jest, believe them. If someone’s spirit is the direct opposite of yours, then it is best to let them be. I tell this to my daughter almost every week, but for some reason I still haven’t completely grasped the concept. Sometimes we are so busy trying to usher people across to our happy place that we don’t realize that it is not our job. Everyone arrives at happy or joy in their own time and sometimes they do not arrive at all.

The connections that I have built with people are not by accident. I know that the universe or God conspires to put certain people in my life for different reasons. The goal is to let the universe work its magic and stop trying to make people fit in my pretty little categories. Everyone isn’t going to fit. I’ve been blessed many times over with friendship. I am thankful for that and I plan to nourish the connections I have and let go of the ones I thought were going to happen.

Soooo…my intention for this week has nothing to do with what I just wrote. lol! Well, sort of. My intention is to go to yoga class and get back to my center. I’ve been missing yoga and since I’ve just been released from my doctor to continue practice, it is important that I do so. My plan is to concentrate on my breathing, enjoy the transitions, and apply my struggles or ease on the mat to my life. I also plan to enjoy the connections that I have. I thoroughly enjoy my walks around the neighborhood and park with friends. I enjoy the text conversations I have. I enjoy the occasional at home lunch date and I enjoy the fellowship of positive women. I know I am blessed. I’ve come an extremely long way and for that I owe it to myself to always take inventory of what I’m putting out as opposed to what I’m getting in return. Rule #1 is to always love myself…no more martyrs.

Love and light y’all.

Friends buy friends paleo cookies

I have come to the conclusion that I have made a friend here in California.  It became official today when she gave me a real life paleo cookie, from a real life paleo restaurant.  I must be doing something right in my life to deserve such luxuries. If you don’t know what the paleo diet consist of, then you are more than welcome to google it.  After you google it, you will understand why this is such a big deal.  I follow the paleo diet for health reasons, not because I want to be skinny.  Paleo is one of those extreme diets that I said I would never do and now that I do it, I often get nervous talking about it because I don’t want people to think I’m some crazy fanatic who grimaces at the sight of Cheetos.  I actually do grimace at the sight of Cheetos, but that’s only if one of my children happen to be holding those bag of Cheetos.  Anyway, “Sharon” bought me a paleo cookie and brownie and I almost felt like crying.  It has been very hard for me being here alone and to know that someone listens to me and cares is freaking awesome.  It helps that I actually like her and her children, so she never had to buy the paleo cookie or brownie, but that just closed the deal for me.